The PCS Blues for Military Teens.
Being in a military family is hard. It is not by choice for a child or teen to move frequently from family and friends every few years due to an occupation. Unlike the caretakers who raised their right hand to swear or affirm to serve and protect this red, white, and blue country, teenagers did not. Again, I repeat this statement; they did not choose to serve. As a caretaker, it is important to empathize with your teenager’s feelings and thoughts about being in a military family. I also came from a proud active-duty household that moved frequently because of my father’s commitment to the Army. It was challenging for me in the 1990s, and it still is for teenagers of 2024. Try to remember that these tough adjustments are happening during some of the most critical social developmental stages in their life.
Military teenagers are moving every three to four years, redeveloping their own identity in a new school, and struggling with mental wellness. According to The National Military Family Association (NMFA), about 28% of military teenagers surveyed scored low on the 7-item Short Warwick-Edinburgh Mental Well-Being Scale. Military teenagers are faced with challenges that are unique and different from the rest of their civilian peer group.
All teenagers have different internal and external influences that play a part in their emotional regulation. Some influences can be cultural, familia dynamics, or adjusting to a new school after a PCS. Teenagers who have parents who are stationed far from a military installation may be the only student in their cohort that is part of a military family. This can result in the educational environment feeling isolated.
Military teenagers don’t deploy, but they sure do move a lot. Imagine with me for a moment; envision yourself back to a time when you or your partner came back post-deployment or mobilization. Do you see yourself there? Great, do you remember all those emotions that swelled up deep within your belly? Pride, excitement, nervousness, maybe anger, and perhaps grief? Teenagers deal with similar emotional responses to new environmental changes, just like you or your partner did when you or they returned home. Do you remember how important it was for you to have that one family member or loved one who kept you grounded when you were dealing with the post-deployment blues? I encourage you to be that solid rock for your kid. Just remember the emotional outbursts or icy dagger stares you might be receiving across the dinner table is just a natural human reaction to an environmental change. This change is outside of their control and can feel very threatening to them.
What can you do to help your teenager feel supported? Here are my top choices to support your teenager.
1. Use words of affirmation and praise- I know, it might be hard for you to express your emotions to others. Especially, if you are a service member who is taught to NOT make your emotional well-being the number one priority in the workplace. But I want you to set aside your pride and remember this isn’t about you; it is about them. Dish out those “I Love You’s!” and whip out those funny baby photos to gloat at the fact that they started walking before nine months old. Show up for those sports games, and ask your command to take time off work early to see that game. There is always someone who can cover for you at work, I promise. (Retention is low right now my military friends, and good command teams are out there to please and prioritize their subordinates’ families.) Praise your kids. It can be hard and discouraging if they roll their eyes or flat-out act like no one is in the room. However, they do appreciate you praising them; I promise.
2. Hold Space- I think this is the hardest task for any parent to do. Holding space is the act of being present in a nonjudgemental way; all the while your teen verbalizes their needs in what feels like an entirely different language of Generation Z or Alpha. You might have to hold back what you would like to say to them until they are done expressing their concerns. It doesn't mean be a doormat and let them verbally abuse you. Rather, allow the emotional outburst to flow within reason and then remind them that once they are ready to talk in a more reasonable tone you will be there to support, problem-solve collaboratively, and above all else love them.
3. Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP).- EFMP is a near and dear program to my own heart. I encourage everyone who is on active-duty orders (Title 10 or 32 orders) to make sure your dependent with a special need is enrolled in the program. This program is mandatory and federally regulated to allow your dependents to receive the specialized care they need and deserve. It is a tool and resource to help teenagers advocate for their disability or medical needs. I will be discussing this program and other resources in great detail in a different post.
4. Seek out support- No one can relate to you as well as a peer group. If you are a service member or spouse who feels all alone about your teenager’s behavior; find support. There is nothing wrong with finding a support group, mentor, or friend, or even going to a therapist to discuss your emotional well-being. Raising kids is the hardest unpaid job and is undervalued in American society. Also, look for support for your teenager by finding a therapist or support group at their school.
I hope that this blog can give you, the caretaker, some reassurance that you are not alone. If you are interested in working with Rich Life Therapy for your teenager’s emotional well-being, please reach out for a free consultation. All military families, active, Reserve, or National Guard are provided with a special rate for therapy.
- B. Jordan
